getting ready for a new adventure.....

I am trying to get all moved and packed, and also finishing my finals for all my spring classes. I am getting so overwhelmed, that I am stressing myself stressed out. I am so excited to go and get to Alaska. :)  I can't wait for me to experience a new state and a new clinic. I CAN'T wait to live there kinda on my own for three months!! I know i'll be away from all my friends and family, but I am hoping that in the end of my internship, I am going to walk away with a job offer! MY GOAL!!I am missing my closest friends 1st anniversary, their son's third birthday. MY Godsons 1st birthday. My brother and sisters birthdays, AND mothers day!! ALSO my grandma and grandpa's birthdays, and my dad's   I forgot how bust my summers were till Im not gunna be around for it all!!!
I hope all goes well.......I LEAVE IN 6 DAYS!!!!

Still stuck on you.......

I was just thinking today, while I was doing some stuff, I thought about you. I hurts when my thoughts go back to you, back to what I thought we had. Back to what I really wanted us to be today. But yet, I dont have you in my life anymore. I hope you are doing okay, and I hope you sometimes drift away, and think about me.....

From my Friend!!

You changed my world with the blink of an eye.
That is something I can't deny
You put my soul from worst to best
This is why I treasure you my dearest Jakki
You just don't know what you have done for me
You even pushed me to the best I can be
You really are an angel sent from above
To take care of me and shower me with love
When I'm with you I will not cry even a single tear
And your touch has chased away all of my fear
You have given me a life that I could live worthwhile
It gets even better every time you smile
It's so magical those things you've made
To bring back my faith started to fade
Now my life is a dream come true
It all began when I was loved by you
Now I have found what I am looking for
It's you and your love and nothing more
You have given me this feeling of contentment
In my life somethings I've never felt
I wish I could talk till the end of the day
But not I'm running out of things to say
So I'll end by the line you already know
I love you more then I could show
*He wrote this all by himself!! :-)
Made me smile.
Thank you friend!!

~FaItH~ The 'stregth' for me to keep taking a step forward. The 'wisdom' to know what is right for me to overcome and let go. The 'freedom' to take my life in my own hands and to live 4 myself and *God*. The 'ability' to overcome obsticles in my lifes path and to be able to grow. ♥

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Taking a chance with your life!!

So I have been in college for almost two years now. I am going to Alaska this summer for my internship for 13 weeks. I am getting really excited for it!!  But I have been in Curtis Nebraska for way to long!! So I am taking a leap of faith here and I am going to Washington DC with a friend to just get out. I need a break...I need to relax! I am way to stressed for how young I am. I hope this adventure is amazing and helps me relax and realize what truelly is important to ME!! I need to not take things to heart so quickly and also to allow people to laugh here and there at my mistakes. I am far from perfection, but I try to be a good friend, and good daughter and grandchild. I love to make others happy before my self. This weekend...is for myself.

When you think it may be an end?!

When a woman feels used or worthless does it mean we did wrong? When we give everything we have to offer to some we care about and make a mistake, does it make us any less of a friend? I believe the EVERYONE makes a mistake, but in the end does it show what strength we have to over come them. We need to talk about it with the person we have a problem with and try to work it out. Pushing someone out of the problem that they are involved in doesn’t make it any easier for anyone. Or taking the full blame for it ether. If there is an issue that involves both parties, there is a shared fault. Along with someone who knows that they are making all the wrong mistakes but yet blames it on the other or else make them feel bad about the issue even if they didn’t do anything wrong but be there for them.

I feel like I push people out sometimes when I have an issue, but it is only because I know I am fighting something else that is ALL my fault. But when the other person doesn’t listen or understand what they did wrong and wants to “forget” it and move on…..that’s not working things out with them. Its covering a sharp rock that will eat at you and will just explode in the end! Its a disaster waiting to happen. We need to realize that ‘talking’ is the best thing to really move on from an issue and to truthfully forgive. When you say you don’t want to talk about it or nothing is wrong when something really is, its just going to make things worse for the people that are involved.

I am a person that cares to the fullest. I give everything I have of my heart and my time to someone I care about. So if you think that pushing me away or saying that girls that are the same way as me are just like “any” other girl….you are WRONG! We are the type of girls that care about you, so if you make a mistake, WE ARE THERE FOR YOU! You need to realize that we can take you yelling about your problems to us, but not AT us! We are only caring about you and trying to make things better. Don’t push us away, cause in the end…you will only find that “other” girl, That doesn’t care enough to work at the hard times.
I make mistakes. I am a sinner. I ask God everyday to help me get up, and to walk straight. Only does HE truelly know who I am and what I am capable of. I do feel like I can make better choices, but I never try to regret anything that happens to me. The mistakes I make are my stepping stools for walking on a better path. I have very low self-esteem and I don’t think very highly of myself….but when someone really makes me feel like I made the BIGGEST sin, does it truelly knock me down and question myself again. I try hard to be the person my friends say I can be, but when your own friend, that is suppose to love you no mater what, knocks you to your knees and makes you alone feel worthless and trash, does it make it hard for me to get up and walk with my head help high.

One of my family members in my life, that I know cares about me tells me that I care to soon. That i love to quickly. I know that that is my fault. But is that truelly wrong? I commit to someone or something when I feel like it is worth my time, my effort. I don’t want to get hurt, so yes I see where he is coming from with that. But if I care, if i show that person that they really mean a lot to me that I am willing to work hard for em, that I will get that respect back. I have a friend who’s is like me, BIG heart, puts her ‘whole’ self into a relationship that she cares for and wants to make work. She is an amazing woman, and she is very loyal to her friends. But like me, we get pushed away because people don’t see what we truelly do for the. The work and effort we give. In the end, the people who truelly care for you get hurt, and the people who don’t care get in.

I am just blogging this cause there are many issues right now…mine, friends, and just issues that I need to vent about. I am not meaning to get to anyone about this, and if i do….okay. I am in a mood where if this can relate to you, maybe you have some unfinished issues you need to deal with….before it gets worse or better yet….lose someone that you care about. We can’t make everyone happy….but hopefully we can try to help someone out ion a tough situation.

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Feeling truelly alone....

2.  So I am going to try this whole typing out my feelings thing. Worth a shot.
   
   So I went to a dance “alone” last night and I felt really alone/not attractive. I got all dressed up, straightened my hair and tried to be “beautiful.” I think I smelled bad?!  I danced with only two guys….both being my friends. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I usually don’t care what people think and I ask guys to dance with me. But last night, I couldn’t. My feelings for one person makes me shut down. I have been through a lot in my life….but when i am “interested” in a guy, I don’t look anymore. Makes me feel like a cheater, or like i’m not working on a relationship I only want. I just got out of a thing that I put all the effort into and in the end, got pushed away. I still care for this person, but he is over me and moving on. I wasn’t good enough.
   
   So moving back to the dance, I thought it was really boring. The music and the whole set up was great….but me going alone and no one caring that i tried to be gorgeous made me feel alone. I know I don’t need a guy to make me happy, but it helps. The moment I felt really alone was when the dance was over, no one said bye to me, and I walked to my dorm alone.
   
   I try hard to be a good friend and try to be there for others. But in the end, the always pull out. I don’t know if I really am not good enough, or if something is wrong with me?  When I like a guy I try to be there for em, to be a good friend, and also show that I care about them. I don’t really know what else I have to do? When I care, or we get “physical”, I get thrown to the side and another girl becomes better then me.
   
   I need to realize that I am worth something….and that maybe, just maybe, I might be beautiful to some guys. I am not a cheater, or a lair.  But yet some how….I still am not good enough for the guy I like.

Valentine's Day

What does this day mean to some people? To some it may mean flowers, chocolates, and time with a loved one. Some might not believe in this day to show affection at all. I fall in the middle. I love to be with that "special" someone on February 14th....but believe it or not....I do spend it alone to. uh oh?!  lol  I like to hang out with friends to, but most of them has plans as well.  So what do you do when you are single on valentine's? Try not to feel alone, we all have years were we are "alone" but that doesn't mean we aren't worth loving.  So my suggestions is to buy yourself a rose and some chocolates, cuddle on the couch with a blanket wearing your PJs and watch a sappy love movie!! We are strong women. One thing I need to learn is to NOT rely on a man to make me happy, but just to help me get there together. To share the good times along with the bad. If he can see you at your worst and except it, he deserves you at your best. I am trying to get to the point were I can believe I am important and beautiful even without a man in my life. I am strong and successful on my own. I need to allow myself to work hard for ME and allow "him" to find me.  I'm worth it right?! I sure hope so!! I am me....and me only. I can't be someone that I am not. Except me for who I am, wild, crazy, open, loud, and at times annoying....if you can't...I walk right?!  You ladies need to do this as well.....try to live life for YOURSELF, and make him come to you.....Because God made each of us special and unique....   WE ARE WORTH IT!!!

Introduction to ME! :-)

Hello everyone! I am just starting this. A lot of my friends have a blog so I thought I would give it a try. I hope to use this to vent and also for some of you, to follow my journey in Alaska! I am 20 years old and I am in my second year of vet tech college at NCTA. I love it here, I get all the hands on experience i need for myself to learn. Of course there are complications here, but what is life without a few bumps in our life's path? I try to live for God....but I always find myself messing up. I have amazing friends, ex boyfriends which cause heart break, and a very supporting family. I love them all. I have been through my hard times as well as my amazing times! Like one of my good friends say, "I need to be happy with the things I can control rather then the ones that are just passing through." I try this, but I seem to fail a lot of the times. I am a very outgoing person. I love to make people laugh. That's just who I am, but I also can be shy and hidden. When something important comes into my life, I get afraid to hold onto it. So I hold onto the things that break me, that at the end of the day, makes me fall to my knees.  I hope to reach out to all my friends, and they have an opinion on here as well.  Think of this as kinda my on-line journal.  :)